Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. - Ambrose Bierce

This is a list of some of my favorite quotes. I've collected them from all over the place. If you think you know who first said a quote listed on this page, e-mail with their name so I can give them credit. Enjoy! :)

Work Quotes
Writing Quotes
School Quotes
Life Quotes
Advice Quotes
Love Quotes
Music Quotes
Biblical Quotes
Computer Quotes
I Like You, But...
Driving Quotes
Random Quotes

Work Quotes

Don't let success go to your head or failure to your heart.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed.' - Dorothy Parker

I think we are by nature never happy with what we have done. - Umberto Eco

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves into a position of power should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams

Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem. - Henry Kissinger

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. - Beverly Sills

Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense. - Arnold Bennett

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all. - Sam Ewing

No amount of planning can replace dumb luck.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Alva Edison

Eighty percent of success is showing up. - Woody Allen

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

I love my work; I could sit and watch it all day long.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once...

Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Chaos, panic, and pandemonium - my work here is done.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Diplomacy is the art of letting other people get your way.

Money talks and often it just says, "Goodbye."

Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by. - Douglas Adams

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. - Nicholas Murray Butler

Writing Quotes

We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to. - Somerset Maugham

Being an author is like being in charge of your own personal insane asylum. - Graycie Harmon

Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. - Gene Fowler

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. - E. L. Doctrow

I write for the same reason I breathe, because if I didn't, I would die. - Isaac Asimov

I look at what I write so I can see what I think. - W. H. Auden

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. - Maya Angelou

Art is never finished, only abandoned. - Leonardo da Vinci

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

Writer's Block: when your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

It’s easy, after all, not to be a writer. Most people aren’t writers, and very little harm comes to them. - Julian Barnes

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Be careful ...it is all very well for you to write simply and the simpler the better. But do not start to think so damned simply. Know how complicated it is and then state it simply. - Ernest Hemingway (The Garden of Eden)

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. - George Orwell

Writing is hard, even for authors who do it all the time. - Roger Angell

Don’t say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite. - C. S. LEWIS

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. - Robert Frost

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy

School Quotes

We shouldn't teach great books; we should teach a love of reading. - B.F. Skinner

Knowledge is power. (Ipsa Scientia Potestas Est) - Sir Francis Bacon

Imagination is more important than knowledge... - Albert Einstein

Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge. - John Wesley

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible. - Albert Einstein

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. - H. G. Wells

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - Paul Erdos

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..." - Isaac Asimov

Alcohol and calculus don't mix - PLEASE don't drink and derive.

Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so it accumulates.

A is for Academics B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.

Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?

Life Quotes

The best things in life aren't things.

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. - Nietzsche

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. - Ambrose Redmoon

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen — not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. - C. S. Lewis

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. - Elmer Davis

We need men who can dream of things that never were. - John F. Kennedy

God has not promised skies always blue, flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God has promised us strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love. - Annie J. Flint

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela

I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me. - William Blake

When a man takes one step toward God, God takes more steps toward that man than there are sands in the worlds of time. - The Work of the Chariot

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. - Joseph Chilton Pearce

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. - Douglas Adams

Tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain. - JoDee Messina

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. - Fran Lebowitz

There is no such thing as a non-working mother. – Hester Mundis

Human beings are the only creatures on the earth that allow their children to come back home. – Bill Cosby

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. – Pablo Picasso

Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents. – James A. Brewer

The purpose of life is to fight maturity. - Dick Werthimer

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. - Jean Houston

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. - Abraham Lincoln

God has two dwellings: one in heaven, and the other in a meek and thankful heart. - Izaak Walton

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Ellen Parr

Before God, we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. - Albert Einstein

I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa

If we are ever to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or the next year...today should always be our most wonderful day. - Thomas Dreier

It's not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness. - Charles Spurgeon

Confused wouldn't be so bad if it didn't bring along its friends tired and stressed. - Patrick Ivins

War is not fought to determine who is right, only who is left.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein

After I'm dead, I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. - Sacha Guitry

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. - Sir Winston Churchill

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - Galileo Galilei

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he will have to touch it to be sure.

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies.

The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein

Happiness isn't getting what you want; it's wanting what you got. - Garth Brooks

Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I do not suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. - Lena B. Katz

Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.

If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you. - Sister Mary Tricky

If your not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space. - Lou Whitaker

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright

A day is not wasted if a memory is made.

Chocolate can only kill you, if you need it and you can't get it. - Jenn Sabol

Every now and then, I wish it was then instead of now... - Ziggy

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it. - Robert Heinlein

God gives us memories so that we might have roses in December.

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

Advice Quotes

If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down. - Mary Pickford

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night. - Charles M. Schulz

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't make you less of a jackass if you do it. - Patrick Ivins

Never judge a book by its movie. - J. W. Eagan

Different things work well at different times. It’s like if you were asked to choose your favorite tool. Well, a saw’s fantastic, until you need to hammer a nail in. - Joe Abercrombie

It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again. - Vince Lombardi

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows. - Helen Keller

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. - John F. Kennedy

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. - Arnold Glasow

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. - Aesop

Worries go down better with soup than without. - Jewish Proverb

When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other. - Chinese Proverb

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still. - Chinese Proverb

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake. - Victor Hugo

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering you own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew. - Saint Francis de Sales

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. - Dutch Proverb

When in doubt, tell the truth. - Mark Twain

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. - Eddie Cantor

Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand. - Baruch Spinoza

Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

One must be poor to know the luxury of giving. - George Eliot

The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value. - Charles Dudley Warner

Courage is fear that has said its prayers. - Dorothy Bernard

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. - Anne Frank

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. - Martha Washington

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong

It is very difficult to live among people you love and hold back from offering them advice. - Anne Tyler

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian Proverb

Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. - Mother Teresa

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. - Benjamin Disraeli

Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those doing it.

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

Don't cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot

If you are going through hell, keep going. - Sir Winston Churchill

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is looking. :)

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never say 'OOPS!' Always say 'Ah, Interesting!'

Give a man fire; he'll be warm for an evening. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Terry Pratchett

If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.

Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with brie.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

It is better to give a rock out of love than a diamond out of duty.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Take the road not taken - the leaves crunch that much louder! :)

If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

If the going gets easy, you might be going downhill.

Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? - Matthew 6:27

Keep smiling...It makes everybody wonder what you are up to.

Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value then many sparrows. - Matthew 10:29-31

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. - Psalms 62:8

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher. - Socrates

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

You never test the depth of a river with both feet.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If it's stupid but works, then it isn't stupid.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Love Quotes

Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly despised. - Song of Solomon 8:7

Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases." - Chinese Proverb

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. - Dr. Seuss

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends. - Homer

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

We can do no great things - only small things with great love. - Mother Teresa

The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me. - Sloan Wilson

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. - Franklin P. Jones

The best part of love is losing all sense of reality. - Don Juan de Marco

Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small; it enkindles the great.

I missed you so much I cried a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop loving you!

If I could reach up and hold a star for each time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.

If you live to be one hundred years old, I want to live to be one hundred minus a day, so I never have to live one day without you. - Pooh

There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without.

Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one.

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. - When Harry Met Sally

The stolen kisses are always the sweetest.

Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.

Thou art to me a delicious torment. - Emerson

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. - Audrey Hepburn

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. - Barbara Bush

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. - G. K. Chesterton

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. - François de La Rouchefoucauld

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. - Rose Franken

Love is like Pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

The real test of love is: Can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy together those moments of life that are utterly simple? They are the moments people looks back on at the end of life and number as their most sacred experiences. - Eugene Kennedy

Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what's inside. - Renee Conkle

Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love. - Mark Twain

The best feelings are those that have no words to describe them. - Michelle Hammersley

Sometimes the perfect person for you is the one you least expect.

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart; I'll stay there forever. - Pooh

Love isn't about finding the perfect person; it's about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Age does not protect us from love, but love to some extent protects us from age.

A woman unsatisfied must have luxuries. But a woman who loves a man would sleep on a board. - D. H. Lawrence

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. - Michael Leunig

Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith. - Adel Bestavros

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you." - Erich Fromm

People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. - Mother Teresa

Know her mind and you can have her body, know her heart and you have her soul.

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, all of them make me laugh.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. - William Congreve

Music Quotes

If you can walk you can dance. If you can talk you can sing. - Zimbabwe Proverb

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent - Victor Hugo

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. - Maya Angelou

There is something wonderful about music. It speaks straight to our hearts and spirits - it is a language by itself. - Charles Kingsley

Music is a moral law: it gives wings to the mind, a soul to the universe, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness, a life to everything. - Plato

Music washes from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Berthold Auerbach

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley

If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music. - Albert Einstein

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. - Pat Conroy

The history of a people is found in its songs. - George Jellinek

A good composer does not imitate; he steals. - Igor Stravinsky

Biblical Quotes

Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. - Acts 16:31

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with sighs which cannot be uttered. - Romans 8:26

Only fear the Lord, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you. - 1 Samuel 12:24

O Lord my God, in thee I do put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me. - Psalms 7:1

O Lord our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth! - Psalms 8:9

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalms 27:1

What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. - Psalms 56:3

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands! - Psalm 100:1

O Lord, What a variety you have made! And in wisdom you have made them all! The earth is full of your riches. - Psalm 104:24

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. - Psalms 118:24

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. - Psalms 119:105

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. - Matthew 4:22

Consider the lilies of the field...they neither toil, nor spin. And yet I say to you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. - Matthew 6:28b-29

Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. - John 6:47

In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. - John 16:33b

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. - I John 4:11

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God. Not of works, lest any man should boast. - Ephesians 2:8-9

Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end. - Proverbs 19:20

Computer Quotes

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne Stroustrup

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. - Edsgar Dijkstra

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Don't make me use uppercase...

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

I really should add more memory to my computer, but I don't want to upset the balance of power. - Ziggy

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window. - Steve Wozniak

I Like You, But...

Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid. - John Wayne

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

What a splendid head, yet no brain. - Aesop

I worship the quicksand he walks in. - Art Buchwald

Why are you here, and what can I do to change that?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

I think, therefore, I am...not related to you.

I have no problem with you talking to yourself, just as long as it doesn't turn into an argument.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. - Frank Zappa

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Sir Winston Churchill

Don't mess with people who look both fierce and stupid.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

Driving Quotes

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - Noelie Altito

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Forget about world peace! Visualize using your turn signal!

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.

If you can read this, you're in range.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. - Mary Ellen Kelly

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot. - Larry Lujack

Random Quotes

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather. - Groundhog Day

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. - Douglas Adams

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. - Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland)

How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterward. - Spanish Proverb

But it's entirely possible that my brain is simply in a state where all it's able to do is impersonate boiled cauliflower. - Patrick Ivins

Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

Breathing is good! Smile :) - Kudzu's Basement

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Right now, I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"

Practice random acts of blue macaroons. - Amber Freeman

Drink varnish and you'll get a lovely finish.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

There are 336 dimples on a golf ball.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music... - Kristian Wilson, CEO, Nintendo Gaming Corporation, Inc, 1989

Backwards words say to used I. Again go I there. - George Carlin

Does the noise in my head bother you?

On the other hand...you have different fingers!

The End! Back to the top! :)